Think back to the first time you tried to make a ‘roti’ or the first time you strummed the strings of a guitar. What was the outcome? Unless you’re a prodigy, both these actions require effort and time to perfect and then also there’s no guarantee that you’ll become a master of these skills. But should that or did that affect your interest in these tasks? Did this take away from the joy of performing these actions? Probably not.
I started taking Guitar Lessons when I was 13 years old. Playing the guitar, in reality, turned out to be much more demanding and painful than my teen brain had imagined it to be. But I realized that I still loved doing it. I wasn’t the best at it nor did I feel the urge to master ‘Hotel California’ on the guitar. But I had fun playing it. I still like playing the guitar to myself and for myself whenever I have the inclination and get the time. But I’ve never really been interested in taking it up as a group activity where I participate in jam sessions or play it for my family and friends. Every now and then my mom or a friend would say that I could’ve really excelled or become really good at playing the guitar and that I shouldn’t ‘waste this talent’.
This natural instinct to judge any action by its success is what drives parents’ thinking when measuring their kids’ progress in schools. Running a middle school in Meerut, I often have parents come up to me asking why their child didn’t win in a competition or receive an award. And that not winning that competition or that award had led them to think that they should stop helping their child prepare for any activity or competition. This raises a very serious question about our society’s mindset. Is everything that we do in life governed by a tangible result? I always ask them whether the sole purpose of preparing a child for any activity is to win a prize? What is the child going to take with them for the rest of their life? A trophy? A certificate? A photograph? Or is it the skill set, the honed talent, the enhanced soft skills, the positive attitude.
What parents tend to forget is that every time a child participates in an activity they learn something new. And in most of these cases, in the long term, children are unaffected by not winning a prize. There was an interesting study conducted by Ms. Sawti Lodha as can be seen in point four of this article — https://ideas.ted.com/4-things-that-kids-wish-their-parents-knew/
Sure in the moment children might feel a little sad but this does not deter them from wanting to participate in and trying more things. But when we as parents and guardians put more stock in the result of the participation instead of the participation itself we are setting a dangerously wrong precedent for them and unconsciously developing an unhealthy mindset in the child — a mindset that is constantly fueled by the desire to be recognised for any effort and be disappointed when there is none, a mindset that does not recognize the importance and benefits of participation and instead looks only at the pedestal. While developing a healthy sense of ambition and competition is important, we cannot let that deflect us from identifying the importance of participation itself.
Celebrate your child’s participation in every activity, encourage them to try more things, motivate them to learn more and perform even better in the next opportunity but never demean or devalue their participation as being unnecessary or unfruitful simply because of the absence of a trophy that will only collect dust on your shelf in the years to come.
